Aries (March 21 - April 19) Big Bird gets caught in a hunter's trap, and just as he is about to gnaw off his own leg to free himself, you come upon his weakened body. You make him promise to give you stock in PBS and a large cash advance before you let him go.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Cover yourself in ketchup and salsa and walk around chanting, "Lick me! Lick me! Lick me now!" Yes, you'll get a lot of strange looks, but then again, you might get a few takers. A few cute takers, even.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Don't worry about anything; you're in good hands. Little invisible angels flutter all about you, whispering correct test answers and useful pick-up lines in your delicate ears and taking bullets that were meant for you.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Not only are all the people you ask out already involved with others who are smarter and more fun to be with than you, but they snicker quite loudly at the notion of actually having a date with your unworthy ass.
Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) You steal Ernie's beloved rubber duckie, and he is so traumatized that he begins abusing peppermint Schnapps, has to quit the show and begin extensive therapy to get over the separation anxiety. Congratulations. You have driven a childhood icon to the looney bin.
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) Someone calls you by an embarrassing grade school nickname you'd thought had long since been forgotten, and you snap. You strangle your tormentor and dispose of the body in a shallow grave.
Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) You are attacked in a dark alley by the Count. "One, one lump on your head from my baseball bat! Hah hah hah!" he says. "Two, two lumps on your head from my baseball bat! Hah hah hah!" Better hope he doesn't want to count to 20 today, or you'll be hurting big-time.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21) Since you're not that attractive, you decide to work on your personality to win friends. Then you remember what a complete and unredeemable twerp you are, so you decide to become fabulously wealthy to win friends. Probably your best move.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) Your passionate, sadomasochistic love affair with the Snuffelupagus is very satisfying, but he (she? it?) breaks it off because he (she? it?) isn't ready for a long-term commitment just yet. You are heartbroken.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) Oscar the Grouch says, "I love trash! But I hate Pisces. Find a billy club and beat one senseless for me, would you?"
Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) Today's horoscope is brought to you by the letter "C." Go beat up someone whose last name begins with the letter "C." Use a club.
Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20) You kiss a light socket in the hopes that the resulting jolt of electricity will start up your brain. It fails; you're still as dumb as a bag of hammers.
If your birthday is today: My sister's birthday is the 15th, so I should take time out to wish her a happy birthday. I'd better kiss up a little. When she's a rich doctor and I'm a starving, would-be writer, I'm gonna need her to give me some financial support, you know?
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