Aries (March 21 - April 19) Your turkey doesn't look particularly appetizing, so you decide to carve up Grandma and eat her instead. The meat's a little tough, but it's actually quite good.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) This is your mission: you must kill Hootie. Leave the Blowfish alone, for they are innocent creatures under Hootie's hypnotic spell, forced by his black magic to play crappy music. But Hootie needs to die.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) For once, the plate of turkey is passed around the table so that you get the first crack at the white meat.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) The turkey you ate was badly undercooked, and you contract a horrible case of turkey worms, causing you to writhe in excruciating pain for a week.
Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) The cranberry sauce you ate was, unbeknownst to you, laced with LSD. In the middle of dinner, the turkey gets up, opens its eyes, and screams at you for putting it to death.
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) On the way to Thanksgiving dinner, your car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. You eventually make it to a gas station, where you share a Thanksgiving feast with the gas station attendant consisting of a large cherry Slurpee, a couple of microwave burritos and a bag of potato chips. At least you didn't have to spend the holiday with your irritating relatives.
Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) You can't make it home for Thanksgiving, and you have no friends who will invite you over to their homes to have dinner, so you celebrate Thanksgiving alone, in your room, eating some smoked turkey you bought in the lunch meat section at the grocery store, some cranberry-flavored Kool Aid, and some chocolate-chip cookies you cut in the shape of pumpkins. Close enough, right?
Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21) You become really tired after stuffing yourself full of turkey and lie down for a nice after-dinner nap. You wake up to discover that you have been asleep for five straight days.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) As everyone gathers around the table to dig into the turkey, you stand up and announce that you are gay, and that the "friend" you brought home with you is your homosexual lover of three years. Everyone gasps with shock. Then you say, "Oh, I was just kidding. I just wanted to see the looks on your faces. Heh, heh, heh." You are thrown out of the house.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) Defying all expectations, you actually manage to use the four-day weekend to catch up on all the homework you've been putting off instead of wasting a lot of time hanging out with your friends and sleeping until noon everyday. Congratulations!
Aquarius (an. 20 - Feb. 18) You decide to skip Thanksgiving. I mean, you're a worthless, boring, empty-headed Aquarian -- you have absolutely nothing to be thankful for. Maybe you could celebrate Sucksgiving instead, because you suck an awful lot.
Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20) Now, do you want to spend a whole lot of money going to a psychologist so you can get over your necrophiliac tendencies, or do you want to invest that money instead and just live with the fact that you like getting intimate with dead bodies? I'd go with the latter option.