Aries (March 21 - April 19) You cast the deadly "Voodoo Curse of Great Suffering" on a bitter enemy, but he quickly responds with the "I'm Rubber, You're Glue" counterspell, sending your hex back on you.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Your messy room magically reorganizes itself without you having to do a lick of cleaning.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Driving away from a fast food restaurant, you discover that your cheeseburger has goat toenails on it. You did not ask for goat toenails; you asked for squashed slugs. You drive back and give them hell. They are so cowed by your display of anger that they not only make up for the mistake, they throw in two more cheeseburgers for free.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) If loving is a crime ... then you're completely innocent, pal, 'cause you ain't got none in your life!
Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) Two friends of yours endure a bitter romantic breakup. You try to play peacemaker, but all you get for your troubles is a bullet in the head when they whip out their rifles and start shooting at each other.
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) Your taste buds undergo radical damage after eating an overly hot burrito. For a week, everything you eat will taste like dirt. Everything you drink will taste like dirt. This isn't as bad as you'd think; I mean, campus food tastes worse than dirt, so I'd say you're taking a step up.
Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) You go to a rock concert and fall asleep within ten minutes. For such a brazen show of disrespect, a group of rabid fans beat you to a pulp and steal all your money.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21) You get a chance to meet your musical hero, only to discover that he is a complete jerk. Disillusioned, you throw away all of his CDs which you own, and burn the T-shirt.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) Give an Aries a big hug and declare just how much you care. The Aries will feel so ecstatic from this wonderful show of spontaneous affection that he/she probably won't realize that you're picking his/her pockets.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) You become convinced that you have the power to make other people explode. You walk around yelling "Abracadabra!" and pointing at people, but nothing ever happens. It occurs to you that your roommate is secretly an evil wizard who is blocking your awesome abilities with black magic. You are arrested as you attempt to kill your roommate.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) You spy a friend's "Far Side" calendar on his desk and begin flipping through it to look for your favorites. He catches you, and instantly becomes enraged. "You read ahead in my 'Far Side' calendar, you scum! You must be punished!" he screams as he grabs his baseball bat and beats you within an inch of your life.
Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20) You hear a knock on your door, and when you open your door, you are greeted by a witch, a ghost, and The Grim Reaper. "Get the hell out of here, you greedy bastards!" you yell. "Halloween's over."